on spring

posted on: March 23, 2014

This post will not be my normal bumbling about the moment between seasons when the sun warms my soul.

I'm just here to tell you that I'm here. My brain and any inspiring thoughts that may have been there are thawing now, and I feel so much better when I'm thawed. Don't you? Though we all keep working and giving and running around through January, and then February, I think so many of us are actually hibernating. Sleep walking through the snow.

I made this resolution about writing in 2014, and I mentioned it here on my blog, but I haven't even begun to make good on my resolve because of the sleep. Because of the hibernation of my will and every exciting bit I have.

But this week, it became spring. And with another month or so of winter-like symptoms to go, I know not to have my hopes up, but here they are, up anyway. Life seems so thrilling again. There are weekends to plan, projects to bite into, movements to be made.

Welcome, welcome Spring.

Some Words About a New Year

posted on: January 9, 2014

I'm pretty sure I just had a breakthrough. After a long day of of work and a long early evening nursing a monster cold (aka watching The Bachelor), I was catching up on social media. As I am always apt to do, I snuggled up and settled down into Instagram. I scrolled into my friends' pasts. I saw their Christmases. I saw their vacations. Their turkeys. Their children. Their windows. Their vases. Their kisses. Their families. Their joy.

I saw their longer, summer hair.

Now, I am a comparer and competer like all of you, and sometimes that Instagram app does me in. There is so much I want to be, and so much that they are, and so much I am not. But tonight--oh, tonight, I saw the joy. Which is what I think I'm supposed to be looking for in the first place.

Life is sometimes too beautiful for me. I fear I miss it all.

And so, though I am not a resolver, meaning I do not really make resolutions, as in NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS, I do aim to write a little bit more this year. I don't know how or where I will do it (and don't I resolve to do this every year?). Because in doing what I love every day, it has become everyday. But writing is life. Creating is living. It is feeling. And I want that in January, so much.

I want to remember conversing with my coworkers about food cities. I want to remember Santa Monica--the perfect breeze. I want to remember Skype and my brother and forgotten gifts. I want to remember my friend and her mother and the cancer and not knowing how to say how much I care. I want to remember the moment I found blurry, wordy old files and felt so proud of my 2011 self. I want to remember a friend's new blog, and all of her inspiring thoughts. I want to remember.

I should write this all down, shouldn't I?

In any case, in trying to record this fleeting thought, in trying to nail down the buzz of gratitude, I had to search for this little dying laptop--only to find it in a spare room. Left there to recharge at an open outlet because the three in my own room are full. Full of Christmas lights, and humidifiers, and Ikea lamps, and cell phones flickering on my lap.

Full of light in here.

Full and light. 



The Queen

posted on: December 16, 2013

Last weekend, I hopped in a car with two of my oldest friends and drove to Las Vegas. We were hoping for a little sun, but we went to see the queen. Beyonce live and in the flesh has been on my list since high school, and you know, it was all so much bigger than I even expected. The costume changes alone. She's a powerhouse, and a true woman. I'll be a forever fan. We spent the rest of the weekend lazily napping in our golden hotel and shopping our hearts out at Zara. 

(The Zara bit may have just been me.)
(Also, please excuse my blurry nighttime iPhone photos.)
(Also, have you listened to and watched Bey's new surprise album? Run, don't walk.) 





Fallen

posted on: October 29, 2013


If you follow me on Instagram, you know.

I love fall. I've always loved fall, for as long as I can remember. But I like to call it autumn. The long way. In a world of abbreviated words and 54-minute hours, I just like to take the long way. 

To me, fall is the most beautiful pause. A holding of breath. It's brief, but speaking of long, it's always longer than I remember. Most likely because I expect to wake every morning to brown, bare branches. The burning treetops never last long enough. But I suppose that's the point. Before the snow and chill blow through the world and forcefully settle us all, there is a time when the earth gives us all she has.

Everything. Fall is everything to me.

I pull to the side of the road to capture the luminously orange tree. I bring pumpkins to people I love (instead of roses or candy). I drink tea and light fires and read more books.

It's the most wonderful time of the year.

Happy

posted on: October 28, 2013

"Are you happy?"

It's probably the most personal question one can ask. That I can think of, at least. More than, "How much do you weigh?" Or, "What's your favorite song?" Or, "Are you with the one single person in the world who fills your heart with joy?"

When she asked, I joked, because what else do you do when you're asked the most personal question of all? You deflect. Really, it was too easy. She being the almost-graduated graduate therapist, best friend of six years, roommate of three, carrier of your best college memories. Here she is, asking you about your happiness over eggs and orange juice.

"Stop therapizing me, Bod."

But she wanted to know, and so I told her. Because who else will I tell? Because is it really so bad to admit to being wildly happy or down down down and out? There's nothing wrong with being personal, after all.

We talked about everything and nothing, the way we always do. The way I always seem to do. About school, and ambition, and moving. About the places we've been to and have not. About the cities we'll live in and will not. About our friends. About their lives and their happy. About companionship and marriage. About futures and faith.

It seems like a lot, but I imagine that it sounds familiar to you too.

I told her that, yes, I am happy. But now, and here, I want to clarify:

I am happy. Not content. Not at all, really.

Which means that I am not final happy 
or end-game happy 
or nothing-needs-to-or-should-change happy.

I am happy-along-the-way. I am waiting. And doing stuff while I wait that negates the waiting, I hope.

Does that make sense? 

I feel like I've written this before.

The eggs were good. 



Anyway, that's what I told her when she asked.

Full

posted on: September 30, 2013


Oh you guys. Early fall is my jam.

I've been especially thoughtful and introspective today--so much so that when I've tried to speak, all the words arrive jumbled and unclear. I'm really impressing my coworkers, I'll tell you what. :)

I'm not sure I'll put myself through the same humiliation here. (For me, it's always hardest to express the most vivid thoughts and feelings. Is it the same for you?) But I will say that I'm feeling so full today. FULL is a word I've resorted to over and over on this blog, because somehow HAPPY and CONTENT and THANKFUL just don't do the trick. Today, I am full. I am blessed to know what I know, I am blessed to have what I have. I could burst with the goodness I've been given--the people, the thoughts, the feasts, the faith. And skies. And trees.

And hope. Hope most of all.

Because though I am thankful for the things I have today, I have such plans. Most of them embarrass me; they're so far flung and gosh darn big. But they are mine and they are real and they are heavy. I'm happy to carry them--I'll carry them until the seasons stop changing.

I pray they never stop changing.


At the End

posted on: September 20, 2013



With autumn officially arriving on Sunday, I couldn't resist throwing a summer's worth of iPhone photos up on the old blog. Summer 2013 is so many things in my mind--a season of rainstorms, trees, books, weekends in the mountains, weeks at the beach, family barbecues, tacos and gelato on the patio with friends, weddings, wishes, empty gas tanks, Parade of Homes-ing, and biking biking biking. I sure do love that bicycle of mine.

The change of seasons affects me more than most, it seems. There is such sadness, for the things that will not be for nine more months, but such hope for burning leaves and scarves and new chapters.

To summer.

And to fall. 

A California Adventure

posted on: September 17, 2013

  
A few last photos from last month's Disney Extravaganza. I consider myself a Disney purist, so Splash Mountain, Pirates, and Main Street are usually just my groove. But gosh, that California Adventure is a charmer. Some highlights from this visit: Paradise Pier at night, the rows of palms on Buena Vista Street, The Voyage of the Little Mermaid (I rode it five times), our diner dinner at Flo's in Cars Land, and World of Color. 

She's a piratey soul, full a' vinegar and glitter.

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